Etiquette, oh Etiquette.
The concept of etiquette fascinates me endlessly. Of course, everyone’s opinions differs on all subjects, and comparing these ideas is intriguing to me.
Firstly, I’m not even sure of the etiquette of writing about the subject that I’m intending on writing about – how taboo is it? Is it something that no-one should know, or is it fine to laugh about it? I don’t know, but I will go ahead nevertheless.
Aged 16, I was told by a street-wise friend that a year after the first time you have sex, you should have a smear test. She’d just been for her first one. I was horrified at the idea. Not that she’d had hers, and had therefore had popped her cherry aged 15 – that was nothing amongst my friends of the time, one of them was a mere 13, which looking back now, seems awful. We’re all 26 now, to have been sexually active for half our lives already is hideous. What were we all thinking? I digress, it’s the subject of the smear test that horrified me – of course at that age, no detail of anything is left unsaid, so I heard *all* about it. It didn’t sound fun.
I began wondering when I was supposed to have one. Of course, I wasn’t going to ask my mother, and admit what I’d been up to, so I kept quiet. I did everything in my power to dodge the dreaded smear, and the Gods seemed to be on my side. The dates kept changing. It went from a year after losing it, to being 18, to being 21 – I kept somehow avoiding them – it got put up to 25 recently, and somehow I missed it again due to where my birthday fell. I was thrilled.
However, it seems that the time is now upon me. I’ve been caught. I’ve had several letters, which I pretended I didn’t get, but now, I want a repeat prescription of my contraceptive pill, for which I have to have six monthly checks anyway, so when I called to book my check, it was flagged that I had to come in for the smear-test-of-doom. Oh dear. It wasn’t even as easy as, come in tomorrow, or next week. ‘When are you mid-cycle, love?’ When am I what? I haven’t a clue. 10 minutes on the phone later and after lots of head-scratching and comparing diaries, we worked it out. And it’s tomorrow.
As I said, my problem with all of this now, is the etiquette of the situation. Having never had one before, I really don’t know what to expect, my friend’s horror story of 10 years ago is a distant memory. Most importantly, right now, the burning question is the etiquette of the situation. Am I expected to ‘tidy’ my ‘lady garden’? I don’t wish to appear rude and not do so if the answer to that question is yes, yet I don’t want whoever is going to be prodding me to think I’ve made a special effort for the ‘occasion’; Is it an occasion? It’s first thing tomorrow, so I’m not exactly expecting to be wined and dined, but might there be candles and soft music? I at least want the lights to be dimmed. I don’t usually allow people to poke me without any sort of effort on their part.
Now I’ve got into pondering such details, I’m now worrying what I should wear? I don’t want to look keen and go in my shortest skirt, but it feels like I should dress up somehow. Trousers, I’d imagine will be more problematic, and I’ll end up fully half naked. At least with a skirt, it can be more cartoonesque, I’ll hold it up as a barrier so I can’t see what they’re up to. And footwear – socks are a no-no for skirts and trousers – no one likes having their socks left on. This means I’ll have to wear some sort of strappy affair. Can I keep them on while I’m lying down for this hideous test, or do I have to take them off too? Will there be stirrups, my legs in the air? I just don’t know. I’m going to play the whole thing down for now and pretend it’s not happening. I’ll deal with it in the morning.
what you have to remember is, medical professionals do this ALL the time…you are just a number to them. I’m sure that your normal hygiene standards are up to par! funny story on this subject; a woman going for her gyn. exam sprayed body spray “down there” just to be fresh, when the Dr. spoke to her later he thanked her for her special effort. She was confused until she got home & looked at the spray…it was body glitter!
Nice post. It’s really straightforward. For various reasons I’m on six monthly smear tests. Please don’t put it off. All being well you won’t have to go for another 2 years.
I’m grateful now, I attended my appointments. Just relax. No stirrups. Slight discomfort. Usually the practice nurse is better that the doctor as they do so many and therefore are better at it.
Hope it goes well.(Don’t worry about the lady garden)x
Oh man I’ve been avoiding that too! I’m 26 and have somehow gotten away with it. I would say just keep Ms. Puss clean and buy some Gas X in case you feel like farting in the doctor’s face. Gooood luck.
oh u did make me giggle!!
PLEASE PLEASE go tomorrow and don’t be worried it’s not very pleasant but it is over in minutes, last year i kept getting abnormal smear test reults so was back and forth with the doctor or the nurse!! they have seen it all before and normally put u at ease especially if you have never been for one.
the shoe/sock sandal thing made me chuckle my first one i wore jeans socks trainers and with the jeans and knickers off felt a fool with my socks still on!! i have learnt my lesson however the docs really don’t care i assure you
smear tests save lives chick don’t be scared it will be fine xx
Hey ickle one…ahw bless…..
It’s really not that bad you know… just wear whatever you feel comfortable in… It’s only you and the nurse.. *ogglers* not allowed. Nurses are far better at it than the doctors.
*All* you need to do is *relax* take yr ipod listen to your favourite tune, or just think what you’re going to have for dinner…anything as long as your relaxed.
What I do when I am facing something with pure trepidation is treat myself afterwards, ickle pressie or in my case a kip! As other have said, you are far too precious to ignore a simple test which could confirm all is fine or alter you to something which may need attention. Simple…just do it!! (or i will kick your ass!!!) Mummy Moochie xxx
Nikki, my love under no circumstances put this off or consider not turning up.The `first time` is just as daunting as the first sexual experience, not as much fun, but lasts about as long!!!Due to my chequered menstrual/gynae history, I had to have my first internal at 16, first smear at 18 , and my capacity to take it in my stride was not as it would be now (at 51).
The medical professionals conducting your smear will be keen to put you at your ease, and should be open to any concerns or embarrasment you may have. In my and all my female friend/family cases no stirrups have been involved, (unless you turn up on horesback), and dress code is always whatever you feel comfortable in, obv you have to strip from the waist(in private), and there will be a sheet covering you all you need to do is slide your feet to your bum and open wide,(bit like a dentist,but on a bed not a chair, cue innapropriate remarks about bad breath!!except don`t be tempted to pop a mint in before you go) LOL. The whole proceure takes seconds, nothing to be scared of(the rubber gloves don`t even go up to the elbows), doesn`t hurt, might feel a small scraping feeling is all(you can just lie back and think of England, in my case after I was married, Britton)ha ha, and then you can get dressed, again in private.
Small talk is entirely optional,but in my case was always along the lines of waiting till the nurse/doctor was about to`go in` and say “Oh you recognise me now”!!!
Joking apart Nikki,hopefully the message is,there is nothing too embarrasing that is worth the oppurtunity to nip in the bud a totally preventable and curable form of disease. I owe my life to this procedure,had a hysterectomy when I was 32, luckily I had had both my children, and I am fighting fit,healthy and grateful all these years later.I`m currently going through a divorce after 27yrs of marriage,the menopause, and not a day goes by that I`m not glad to be alive,I`ve recently met a guy of *34*(here on Twitter, go me !!! )and the healthy sexlife we have is all down to me attending all my smear tests in the past.
So go tomorrow, I won`t say enjoy, but rejoice that you have the opportunity to do something positive to protect your own health, then go home and enjoy your man!!!
xxxxx She xxxxx
P.S. fast forward 24 years and you are called for breast screening, go and be grateful that someone wants to squeeze your breasts at 50,(even if it is two sheets of perspex)!!!!
Hahahahahaahahaa …. Whoa, how the hell did I miss this one?