Nikkipedia

Yesterday I went to a ‘back to work’ session at the Job Centre. It was completely dull and tedious, and an hour of my life wasted, that I’ll never get back.

The comment I got from a previously unemployed Twitter friend, @Brykins was ‘Good luck – if it’s the one I went to, it’s twelve people in a room learning that application forms shouldn’t be done in crayon.’

He wasn’t far off the mark.

There were 4 other people in the session. Ginger, Greasy Lady, Know-It-All and Moustache Man that can’t switch on a computer. They were all as equally unamused as I was. Know-It-All spent half of the session arguing with Job Centre Lady. I couldn’t watch, I was busy trying not to laugh.

We had clipboards with forms on them. I stole the copies from the empty seat next to me, in order to share them with you.

The first form had me tearing my hair out, such simple questions that I thought they might have been a trick. I actually struggled with them. The second, I didn’t quite have the heart to fill in saying that the session wasn’t helpful, Job Centre Lady was very nice and if I’d been interested in Health and Safety, childcare or forklift driver training, I’m sure it’d have been very helpful, but in my search for work as a PA, it wasn’t, in the slightest.

At the end of the session, we were given packs to take home – ‘How To Find A Job’, including this little gem:

This is an example of what the Job Centre believe to be an acceptable letter to approach a potential employer. They advise people to send this out to companies. Words absolutely fail me. No wonder there are so many people unemployed, if this is the standard of the advice we’re receiving.

Mind you, the standard of employers and their adverts is only marginally better. These are two adverts I stumbled upon today. I’ve highlighted my favourite bits.

The first. I realise this is just for a role as a receptionist, but the preview of the advert, which started ‘You’re brief’ – lured me in. ‘You’re brief’ – ‘Am I?’.
As for smiling and saying hello to colleagues and guests, surely that’s just common sense and common courtesy, especially if you want to work in hospitality. Could be a problem if you don’t like someone you work with though.
Flare, flair – no, you’re right, I’m nitpicking, they’re mostly the same thing. Just keep the former away from flammable items.
You don’t need a head for figures to handle cash. They hand out money to my fellow Job Centre scummers. I’m sure the Hoodies don’t have a head for figures, but they handle the cash, happily, and as for other payment methods – taking a card payment with a machine and till is hardly rocket science.

The second advert, to me, was a wonder to behold. This advert has been placed by a college. A place of education and scholarship. A pillar of the community. I can only assume that the first highlighted sentence should be read as ‘A-C GCSE English and Math is essential’ but I worry that’s not the case. THIS IS A SCHOOL ADVERTISING THIS. The ad was placed directly by the employer. They should be ashamed. Unless they don’t have an English Teacher among the staff. But surely it should have been proof read by someone.
As for the last highlighted sentence – I’m literally speechless. How is that a question? How can they have *that* poor a grip on the English Language? How am I so good at composing questions, and they be so awful at it?

‘I’m Ron Burgandy?’

When these are the adverts that are placed, the employers, and the level they work at, I am left wondering *why* I’m surprised by what the Job Centre offers us, clearly they’re just matching the market.